From the Heartland

This is my soap box, on these pages I publish my opinions on firearms and any other subject I feel like writing about.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Senator Chambers seeks to amend LB454

The esteemed Senator from Omaha has introduced AM1238 to amend Nebraskas pending CCW legislation.

In order to limit the number of firearms carried by any one individual in any manner Senator Chambers is proposing a mathematical quagmire that reads as follows;

Insert the following new sections:
"Sec. 23. To determine the number of pistols a licensee
may lawfully carry concealed under the Concealed Handgun Permit Act
or section 28-1202 on any given occasion (except if the United
States or the State of Nebraska shall be at war), the body weight
of the licensee shall be multiplied by ten-times the licensee's
(admitted) age, then divided into the year of the licensee's birth
plus one hundred thirty-seven and one-half, then add the number of
inches of the licensee's height rounded up to the next full inch
which shall be subtracted from the number of the current century
(2100), if the number of the current century exceeds the other
number, otherwise subtract the number of the current century from
the other number, then, after multiplying the size of the
licensee's right shoe by three-times the girth of the licensee's
waist after a full meal, measured and certified by a professional
tailor, subtract the sum obtained by adding together the digits in
the licensee's social security number (which number shall be made
known only to the licensing authority and any employee thereof who
shall be guilty of a Class IB felony for any unauthorized
disclosure of the number to any other person), then divide the
grand total by three-fifths of the number on line 17 of the
licensee's personal income tax return (federal) for the immediately
preceding year, but if the licensee is not required by law to file
a federal income tax return or if the licensee failed to file a tax
return for the immediately preceding year and has not been indicted
for failure to file a return, this step should be disregarded and
in its stead, the licensee's home address (no post office box
number is acceptable) multiplied by ten if the address contains
four or fewer digits but by six and five-tenths if such address
contains five or more digits, but in no case shall the number of
pistols carried concealed exceed the total number of the licensee's
pockets at the time of being approached, stopped, accosted,
interrogated, or otherwise contacted by any sworn law enforcement
officer and any other suitable hiding places including, but not
limited to: (1) Purses, (2) tote bags, (3) shopping bags of
whatever material or variety just so the pistol is not visible, (4)
umbrellas, (5) picnic baskets, (6) beverage coolers, (7) boots, (
bras, (9) bloomers, (10) shorts (jockey or boxer), (11) briefcases,
(12) backpacks, (13) hidden holsters or reasonable facsimiles
thereof, (14) baggy britches, (15) billowy shirts, (16) bulky
sweaters, (17) flouncy skirts, et al., (1 coats of any and every
kind and variety, (19) wide sleeves, (20) big hair, (21) hats, (22)
helmets, (23) prostheses, (24) canes and walking sticks of any and
every variety suitable for the purpose of concealing a firearm,
(25) lunch buckets or boxes, and (26) hollowed-out books and the

If a person is not a mathematical genious and is unfortunate enough to be found guilty of violating section 23 as amended by Senator Chambers the following punishment shall apply;

Sec. 25. Any person who violates section 23 of this act
is guilty of an infraction. In addition to any other punishment
imposed by the court, the defendant shall be required to go about
unarmed for a number of days equal to six times the sentencing
judge's age divided by the number of the courtroom where the
sentence is pronounced, subtracted from two hundred fifty, and
multiplied by two, but in no case fewer than one hundred eighty

Senator Chambers assumes that some will carry under these circumstances (as do drivers with suspended licenses) and offers the following as punishment for not following the terms of the original punishment;

Sec. 26. If the defendant fails to comply fully and
completely with the going-about-unarmed requirement of section 25
of this act, the defendant shall be taken into custody and after a
hearing shall be transported by the sheriff of the county where the
proceedings were had to the facility or location where the Nebraska
State Patrol conducts firearms training and there the defendant's
trigger finger shall be shot off by Nebraska State Senator Jeanne
M. Combs (LB454 Sponosr)using a pistol of her choice but which must be approved by
the Superintendent of Law Enforcement and Public Safety. Execution
of the punishment shall be without the benefit of any type of
anesthesia other than flavored malt liquor.

Senator Chambers is not without heart though and will not require a person to be denied what is rightfully theirs;

Sec. 28. Any offense punishable by the shooting off of
the trigger finger must be punished according to the provisions
herein made and no other. The trigger finger or any parts,
portions, shreds, fragments, bits, pieces, other remnants, or
leftovers shall be offered to the defendant for disposal in the
manner the defendant deems appropriate, otherwise cremation shall
be employed.

Please note that the Senator wants you to have your finger, or what's left of it back.

The fore going is not the proposed amendmant in it's entirety, only selected portions of it that is offered for inducing abdominal cramps, knots, increased hypertension, baldness and the urge to vomit. And yes the rest of it is just as bad. By introducing fertilizer of this nature the good Senator from Omaha intends to slow down the process with needless debate in order to dely any kind of vote by the full Unicameral before the end of the term.

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