From the Heartland

This is my soap box, on these pages I publish my opinions on firearms and any other subject I feel like writing about.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Movies you won't see in a theater near you review

It has been a while since our movie critic elaborated on those movies that are only shown on the backside of his eye lids. So without further fan fare here is the Bar Wars Saga avaiable in the Special Collectors imaginary box set;

1. Bar wars: Liberal menace
After a drunken car crash left his pregnant padowan learner, Bubbles Pfatt (Mary Jo Kopechne) dead, a drunken Senator Palpitation (Teddy Kennedy) realizes he will never be elected High Council. Turning deeper to the Democrat side the Senator schemes to oust the leaders of the Republican led High Councel, Spaced Window (Gerald Ford) and Yodel (Nelson Rockefeller). The Senator backs Count DooDu (Jimmy Carter) and Boss Mess (Walter Mondale) intending to control them from behind the scenes.

2. Bar wars: Attack of the Clowns
A troubled Senator Palpitation (Kennedy) has sucessfully installed Count DooDu as High Council. Much to the Senators dismay DooDu (Carter) and Mess (Mondale) bumble their way through a four year administration seemly immune from the effects of Palpitations influence. Selling everything the Empire stands for down the river DooDu and Mess, will stop at nothing to ensure that Empire credits buy them another election

3. Bar wars: Return of the GOP
When all of the shinanagans of DooDu (Carter) and Mess (Mondale) come to light they are ousted at general election by Qui-Ray-Gun (Ronald Reagan) and his padowan apprentice Obi-Brush-Kanobi (George Bush Sr.). A comfortable period of security reins over the Empire as Qui-Ray-Gun holds steadfast to the principles that the Empire was founded on. Qui-Ray-Gun's leadership is so enspiring that the citizens elect Obi-Brush-Kanobi to replace him on the High Council. While not the leader that his predecesor was Brush-Kanobi maintains the peace for a four year term.

4. Bar wars: Bubbas from Hope
After his dibilitating defeat at the hands of the Republicans years before Senator Palpitation crawled further into the bottle rueing his defeat and plotting revenge. Sobering up long enough to locate a suitable padowan puppet to run the Council, Senator Palpitation finds a new apprentice that has already gone to the Democratic side. Bubba Klingon (Bill Clinton) aided by his trusty sidekick Har Har Blinks (Al Gore) are swept onto the High Council on a madate for change.

5. Bar wars: The GOP Fights back
Two years into Bubba's (Bill Clinton) leadership, Jabber-the Butt (Newt Geingrich) is thoroughly disgusted with the scandals that plague the Bubba Administration. Representive Jabber seeks to change the policies and lower taxes that were forced upon the people by Bubba. He forms alliances and establishes a 100 day contract with the Empire. This effort succeeds in Jabber-the Butt's gaining control of the necessary seats to effect the needed changes, even though it was not supported in the Senate by leader Opie Bob Kanope (Bob Dole). Discontent with the eight year leadership of Bubba Klingon the citizens of the Empire, in a closely contested election deny Har Har Blinks his assention to the highest seat in the Empire, by electing Scrub Brushwalker (George Bush Jr.) in his place.

6. Bar wars: Return of the GW
In this episode, said to be the final, in the Bar Wars saga, coming from almost relative obscurity Scrub Brushwalker (George Bush Jr.), the reletively unknown son of Obi-Brush-Kanobi ( George Bush sr.), takes the helm of a troubled Empire. The economy is in a downward spiral and within months of his election the Empire is visciously attacked by the Nemuslidians lead by Nuetered-Gun-Ray (Osama bin Laden). Scrub Brushwalker calls in all of his markers and on all of his Generals to throw back the opressive Nemuslidians and hunt down the evil Gun-Ray. Will Brushwalkers efforts be successfull? The Empire again trusts the helm of power to him, for a second term, as he continues his quest to eliminate the the threat of the Nemuslidians? Surely the audiance won't be left hanging on this point, there must be an episode seven being written.

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